Have you ever had one of those days where you just knew someone was going to out you at work? And, no, I don't mean out in the context of "out of the closet."
I have days where I feel as if I am just playing some game, pretending like I know what I am doing. Some days, I am shifting through trying to cobble together what I think is needed in a given situation. I do well. My work is respected. I am respected. But... sometimes I find myself looking around with hunched over shoulders expecting someone to stand up with righteous fury and point at me exclaiming, "FAKER!"
I know, it is paranoid and a little ridiculous. That is just my insecurities getting the best of me. Although I am not college-educated, I am working on it. Also, I do have several years of experience and a natural talent for my work. Maybe that is the clincher. In his song, New Horizons, David Gray sang,
"Things come too easy, I get suspicious
Things come too slow, I get bored
If it don't work out, I get superstitious
But if it does, oh my word!"
Those words resonated as true for me. Maybe, because it is fairly easy for me, I am suspicious. Perhaps, I need someone to just come along one day at work and say that I am a faker. I am not really some corporate person. I am just a kid still playing pretend at being adult.
I do wonder, though, how long does that feeling last? Is there hope of someday being sure enough of my talent and skills? Hm, that leads me to thinking of another thing to about which to write. I think, I will just sign off now.
I don't want to grow up, but I don't want to be a kid either.
Ugh. I think I am a perennial teen. God, help me.
01 September, 2007
28 August, 2007
Separation Anxiety
On Monday, August 13th, my 5 year old began his journey into the public education system. Fortunately, I was able to move into a reasonably good area with an even more reasonably good school. I did have a few flashbacks of my own early school experiences. There is a requirement for the students to where uniforms: khaki pants, polo shirts, a belt, shoes that lace up; shades of Catholic school, but thankfully with no sign of corporal punishment lurking like shark beneath the waves.
We've been talking about his starting Kindergarten since he started pre-K the prior year. I figured if we talked it up and got him aware of what was going to be expected of him, he would have an easier time adjusting. Now, I am trying figure out about what I was worried! Aside from slow rousing in the early morning, each day has new, wonderful, and somewhat bittersweet surprise waiting inside.
On the first day, parting was easy enough. We got to the school early enough for him to eat breakfast there; something he wants to do. We could eat at home, but since so many of the other children do, my son wants to as well. We went through the line together, he bought me a milk (I don't drink milk). We sat next to one another. I was thrilled that he wanted me to sit with him. He greeted children he knew, waving excitedly and saying their names a little loudly. This same routine was given to the on-duty teachers as well. I figure either he is going to be the most popular boy in the school or the school's biggest spaz, probably both! :)
Eating takes a long time when you are a child being distracted by saying "hi," so often. I spent most of my time saying, "Ok! 10 more minutes and we have to leave the cafeteria and go to class!" All students must be in class by 7:50 a.m. STAT! The class starts exactly at 7:50. Exactly. Oh, joy. The Cullen-McCann genes have an innate inability to be on-time. Woo.
On our first day, we ran just a few minutes late. His teachers, earnest and exceedingly upbeat empty-nester's, love teaching this age group. His primary teacher in the class oozes with such Southern Charm, one can only imagine the struggle would be epic to avoid succumbing to it. She got me the day before when she called me on a Sunday to let me know that she would be his teacher. We chatted amiably for over half an hour about the school, being a first time mom of kindergartner, and what does a tri-fold-mat mean anway... She was kind enough to buy one on my behalf when she went to K-Mart. I owed her a mere $5, when I had been expecting to spend something around $25. If that wasn't enough to win me over, she huggled on the boyo in the Orientation meeting the next evening, saying, "Oo-ooh! He is so cute, it will be so hard not to S-P-O-I-L him." The clincher of course was relaying a story of her son at my son's age playing similarly and telling her son just that. Her son is in his 30's now. Needless to say, I feel comfortable that my wee man is in the right teacher's group.
Our only conflict and a minor, minor one at that, is a little goodbye routine my boyo and I developed. This routine saved many a melt down when I was leaving him in pre-K and has now become a regular for pretty much anytime one leaves the house: you have to beep to him.
Now, beeping from the house is fairly easy to do. He stands at the top of the drive and whomever is leaving beeps the horn twice and waves as they pull away. The boyo stands and waves until the driver can no longer be seen waving. In pre-K, the parking lot was adjacent to the room window, so then it become a matter of waving through the window, then beep-beeping as I pulled away. In daycare, the situation was the same.
Elementary school is vastly different. The campus is focused away from streets and in towards various green space areas around the campus. So, to avoid melt-down, I verbally beep-beeped and waved as I rounded the corner heading out of the building. This satisfied the boyo, but made the teacher's routine a little hard to establish. One day, I decided to drop him off at the front door and then park the car. We were running a little late and I wanted him to get in line for breakfast. I checked with him first and he was cool with it. The next day I asked him if he would like to do that again. Excitedly, he agreed. The next day after that, I asked him if he would like to try and do breakfast by himself and go to his class by himself. He thought on this.
"Next week mommy, and when I am six."
"Alright, whenever you're ready," I replied.
Thursday, the lady that opened the drop off door tried to get him to go by himself, to which he replied, "No, mommy goes with me today. I'll go next week and when I am 6."
The lady chuckled, then smiled at me, "Well, I tried!" After breakfast we ran into the teacher's aide, who said "Come on, I'll walk you to class! You've got to walk to class on your own."
Bascially, I felt as if I wasn't allowed to walk him to his class anymore. Admittedly, that feeling bugged me a bit. I want to walk him to class. I want to hear from the teachers and establish a relationship with them. We waved and did our beep beeps away from the classroom.
"Bye, Mommy! Love you!"
Ah, I thought I was going to cry. I certainly did have a wavering lip going on.
On Friday, as we loaded into the car, my boyo announces, "I'm going to do it on my own today and then when I am six."
"A test run, to see how it goes?"
"Yep! I brought my watch so I can watch my time."
"Ok, well it sounds like you are all set!"
We were very early that first morning. As I drove off, I felt very worried about him making it safely, unattended to the cafeteria. Just as my worries nearly had me parking the car, his other teacher comes up, takes his hand and smiles and waves at me. Relief. Hooray for Mrs O! I later find that the day was a good one with few mishaps.
During the week, we also went through his being able to put on his own belt, through the belt loops, "I can do it myself mommy!" to still learning how to tie his shoes. After the successful foray on his own, he decides that he does not need to be 6. He can "do it on his own always. "
Suddenly, my independent little boy really is an independent wee man.
Thankfully, he still reaches out to hold my hand and says he loves me often out of nowhere. Otherwise, I think I might just have a breakdown due to separation anxiety!
We've been talking about his starting Kindergarten since he started pre-K the prior year. I figured if we talked it up and got him aware of what was going to be expected of him, he would have an easier time adjusting. Now, I am trying figure out about what I was worried! Aside from slow rousing in the early morning, each day has new, wonderful, and somewhat bittersweet surprise waiting inside.
On the first day, parting was easy enough. We got to the school early enough for him to eat breakfast there; something he wants to do. We could eat at home, but since so many of the other children do, my son wants to as well. We went through the line together, he bought me a milk (I don't drink milk). We sat next to one another. I was thrilled that he wanted me to sit with him. He greeted children he knew, waving excitedly and saying their names a little loudly. This same routine was given to the on-duty teachers as well. I figure either he is going to be the most popular boy in the school or the school's biggest spaz, probably both! :)
Eating takes a long time when you are a child being distracted by saying "hi," so often. I spent most of my time saying, "Ok! 10 more minutes and we have to leave the cafeteria and go to class!" All students must be in class by 7:50 a.m. STAT! The class starts exactly at 7:50. Exactly. Oh, joy. The Cullen-McCann genes have an innate inability to be on-time. Woo.
On our first day, we ran just a few minutes late. His teachers, earnest and exceedingly upbeat empty-nester's, love teaching this age group. His primary teacher in the class oozes with such Southern Charm, one can only imagine the struggle would be epic to avoid succumbing to it. She got me the day before when she called me on a Sunday to let me know that she would be his teacher. We chatted amiably for over half an hour about the school, being a first time mom of kindergartner, and what does a tri-fold-mat mean anway... She was kind enough to buy one on my behalf when she went to K-Mart. I owed her a mere $5, when I had been expecting to spend something around $25. If that wasn't enough to win me over, she huggled on the boyo in the Orientation meeting the next evening, saying, "Oo-ooh! He is so cute, it will be so hard not to S-P-O-I-L him." The clincher of course was relaying a story of her son at my son's age playing similarly and telling her son just that. Her son is in his 30's now. Needless to say, I feel comfortable that my wee man is in the right teacher's group.
Our only conflict and a minor, minor one at that, is a little goodbye routine my boyo and I developed. This routine saved many a melt down when I was leaving him in pre-K and has now become a regular for pretty much anytime one leaves the house: you have to beep to him.
Now, beeping from the house is fairly easy to do. He stands at the top of the drive and whomever is leaving beeps the horn twice and waves as they pull away. The boyo stands and waves until the driver can no longer be seen waving. In pre-K, the parking lot was adjacent to the room window, so then it become a matter of waving through the window, then beep-beeping as I pulled away. In daycare, the situation was the same.
Elementary school is vastly different. The campus is focused away from streets and in towards various green space areas around the campus. So, to avoid melt-down, I verbally beep-beeped and waved as I rounded the corner heading out of the building. This satisfied the boyo, but made the teacher's routine a little hard to establish. One day, I decided to drop him off at the front door and then park the car. We were running a little late and I wanted him to get in line for breakfast. I checked with him first and he was cool with it. The next day I asked him if he would like to do that again. Excitedly, he agreed. The next day after that, I asked him if he would like to try and do breakfast by himself and go to his class by himself. He thought on this.
"Next week mommy, and when I am six."
"Alright, whenever you're ready," I replied.
Thursday, the lady that opened the drop off door tried to get him to go by himself, to which he replied, "No, mommy goes with me today. I'll go next week and when I am 6."
The lady chuckled, then smiled at me, "Well, I tried!" After breakfast we ran into the teacher's aide, who said "Come on, I'll walk you to class! You've got to walk to class on your own."
Bascially, I felt as if I wasn't allowed to walk him to his class anymore. Admittedly, that feeling bugged me a bit. I want to walk him to class. I want to hear from the teachers and establish a relationship with them. We waved and did our beep beeps away from the classroom.
"Bye, Mommy! Love you!"
Ah, I thought I was going to cry. I certainly did have a wavering lip going on.
On Friday, as we loaded into the car, my boyo announces, "I'm going to do it on my own today and then when I am six."
"A test run, to see how it goes?"
"Yep! I brought my watch so I can watch my time."
"Ok, well it sounds like you are all set!"
We were very early that first morning. As I drove off, I felt very worried about him making it safely, unattended to the cafeteria. Just as my worries nearly had me parking the car, his other teacher comes up, takes his hand and smiles and waves at me. Relief. Hooray for Mrs O! I later find that the day was a good one with few mishaps.
During the week, we also went through his being able to put on his own belt, through the belt loops, "I can do it myself mommy!" to still learning how to tie his shoes. After the successful foray on his own, he decides that he does not need to be 6. He can "do it on his own always. "
Suddenly, my independent little boy really is an independent wee man.
Thankfully, he still reaches out to hold my hand and says he loves me often out of nowhere. Otherwise, I think I might just have a breakdown due to separation anxiety!
12 August, 2007
All caught up!
Ahh!
I have now caught up my blogger account (as if some of that had to be repeated...) and can begin the new and exciting adventure of blogging on blogger. Wow. Say that 10x fast!
Hey! I just noticed I can put labels on those blogs. Guess I'll be going back to edit once more. Le sigh...
My next set of blogs will be more of a diary/journal. I'm debating on whether those should be separate, probably..
Alright, a bright red car just drove past the place. This of course means nothing other than I needed a segue to quit rambling.
Later, ya'll
I have now caught up my blogger account (as if some of that had to be repeated...) and can begin the new and exciting adventure of blogging on blogger. Wow. Say that 10x fast!
Hey! I just noticed I can put labels on those blogs. Guess I'll be going back to edit once more. Le sigh...
My next set of blogs will be more of a diary/journal. I'm debating on whether those should be separate, probably..
Alright, a bright red car just drove past the place. This of course means nothing other than I needed a segue to quit rambling.
Later, ya'll
Sunday, July 29, 2007 - You're 70 % Irish
"You're very Irish, and most likely from Ireland.(And if you're not, you should be!) How Irish Are You?"
So, my best friend Sinead had a blog about this blogthings quiz *points up* and funnily enough she scored an 85%. Now, I think you all need to know that Sinead is Irish, born and bred. Guess that tells you just how much a silly quiz knows, eh? But, in my addiction to stupid internet quizzes, here is my blog things quiz. I think that 70% is a little low for me, but eh, whatevuh... if an Irish person can't score 100% who could?
So, my best friend Sinead had a blog about this blogthings quiz *points up* and funnily enough she scored an 85%. Now, I think you all need to know that Sinead is Irish, born and bred. Guess that tells you just how much a silly quiz knows, eh? But, in my addiction to stupid internet quizzes, here is my blog things quiz. I think that 70% is a little low for me, but eh, whatevuh... if an Irish person can't score 100% who could?
Tuesday, July 03, 2007 - Four Winds
Current mood: dorky
Category: Music
This one's from the gut because in all fairness, I have heard only a few songs from Bright Eyes. Over the course of hearing those songs, I have either loved or hated the music. One song I'd enjoy, the next I'd find the vocals whiny and the lyrics inane. To my knowledge, no one really knew who Bright Eyes was - the band was an underground sort of thing. Then, not too long ago I was surprised to see Bright Eyes headlining with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra (if I had any money, I'd go).
Now, Bright Eyes are on my cabletv onDemand channel with the video for the new release Four Winds. The first song I heard was Lover I Don't Have to Love. It's a slutty little song about getting f'd up and hooking up. Having been there, done that, I liked the song. As a matter of fact, when my iPOD was working that song was on my "sex songs" playlist (admit it, you've all got one).
Anyway, Music Press once dubbed Conor Oberst, the main man behind Bright Eyes as "Rock's Boy Genius." I wonder if he's gotten tired of that dumb epithet. I say that because although there is certainly creative genius there, the most recent offering isn't anything I have not heard before. Four Winds reminds me a little of Mike Scott's work with the Waterboys. There's also a touch of Lloyd Cole and a little bit a roots Americana. Bright Eyes' music also reminds me a little of Drew de Man and No River City (don't know them? you should!!) Hey, don't get me wrong! Before you start spamming my blog, I am heartily endorsing the talent Conor possesses. I'm a closet Conor groupie. If I didn't think I had to share him with his boyfriend, girlfriend, drugs, booze, or whatever his vices are I'd beg to have his love child. Hell, I haven't quite let go of the idea just yet (I wonder if Conor likes BBW's... err, nevermind. Back to the original purpose of this blog).
The uber-acclaim garnered is probably more because the stylings are breath of fresh air or because "oh, isn't it amazing how a kid can do that?" as if he were some kind of monkey performing tricks; not because the guy actually deserves the applause for the effort he put forth to make music. We have a clear view of his progression from fledgling to flying to Capistrano.
Overall, job well done; the love-hate meter is firmly on love.
Currently listening : Four Winds By Bright Eyes Release date: 06 March, 2007
Category: Music
This one's from the gut because in all fairness, I have heard only a few songs from Bright Eyes. Over the course of hearing those songs, I have either loved or hated the music. One song I'd enjoy, the next I'd find the vocals whiny and the lyrics inane. To my knowledge, no one really knew who Bright Eyes was - the band was an underground sort of thing. Then, not too long ago I was surprised to see Bright Eyes headlining with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra (if I had any money, I'd go).
Now, Bright Eyes are on my cabletv onDemand channel with the video for the new release Four Winds. The first song I heard was Lover I Don't Have to Love. It's a slutty little song about getting f'd up and hooking up. Having been there, done that, I liked the song. As a matter of fact, when my iPOD was working that song was on my "sex songs" playlist (admit it, you've all got one).
Anyway, Music Press once dubbed Conor Oberst, the main man behind Bright Eyes as "Rock's Boy Genius." I wonder if he's gotten tired of that dumb epithet. I say that because although there is certainly creative genius there, the most recent offering isn't anything I have not heard before. Four Winds reminds me a little of Mike Scott's work with the Waterboys. There's also a touch of Lloyd Cole and a little bit a roots Americana. Bright Eyes' music also reminds me a little of Drew de Man and No River City (don't know them? you should!!) Hey, don't get me wrong! Before you start spamming my blog, I am heartily endorsing the talent Conor possesses. I'm a closet Conor groupie. If I didn't think I had to share him with his boyfriend, girlfriend, drugs, booze, or whatever his vices are I'd beg to have his love child. Hell, I haven't quite let go of the idea just yet (I wonder if Conor likes BBW's... err, nevermind. Back to the original purpose of this blog).
The uber-acclaim garnered is probably more because the stylings are breath of fresh air or because "oh, isn't it amazing how a kid can do that?" as if he were some kind of monkey performing tricks; not because the guy actually deserves the applause for the effort he put forth to make music. We have a clear view of his progression from fledgling to flying to Capistrano.
Overall, job well done; the love-hate meter is firmly on love.
Currently listening : Four Winds By Bright Eyes Release date: 06 March, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007 - Emo-riffic
Current mood: complacent
Was it Marie or Donnie who sang, "I'm a little bit emo, you're a little bit rock n' roll grunge?"
No, no, I know that isn't how the song goes! I keep hearing about this EMO scene. You see, I spent most of the 90's in a Jameson bottle and playing music in a Waterboys-esque acoustic-irish band in Atlanta. Hey, don't knock it. We actually managed to win a Best of Atlanta local band award.
Anyway, Emo...first, I thought it was a cult of followers for comic Emo Phillips. I was then informed by another friend of what emo consisted.. My response was to ask for clarification.
Me: "So essentially Goth hooked up with Grunge and Emo is their love child?"
Friend: "Hey, don't pick on the grunge guys now!"
As an olive branch I will note to the EmoKids:It's been done before. So don't feel bad, you aren't alone. At least a whole generations before you felt displaced, a need to write poetry, and be fascinated with fishnet, excessive eyeliner, hair in the face, cross-gender exploration, pretentiousness, and bisexuality. Since I spent many an hour in highschool writing feverishly in my little notebook, had dyed black hair a la Robert Smith, a leather jacket with additional painted embellishments, and wore combat boots, I feel a certain kinship to this new generation. I also find the recent slew of artists being cast in the emo and/or alternative music bins as ones to which I enjoy listening. Of course, that may just be because they remind me of music put out when I was in highschool.
Random thought: All hail the giant chin!
Currently listening : Stranger Than Fiction By Various Artists Release date: 07 November, 2006
Friday, July 06, 2007 - Humble Pie
Current mood: embarrassed
I think people come into our lives for a reason and that reason is to challenge us to grow; to teach us things about ourselves we didn't know – good and bad. Like quitting smoking or losing weight, you might want to, but you sure are afraid of letting go. Paradigm shifts and epiphanies are necessary to achieve change; it is easy to remain the same. We become comfortable in our beliefs, our way of interacting; I know I certainly do. How easy it is to stick my chin up, ball my fists, and say "This is the way I am; love it or leave!" in a childlike defiance against change.
Feedback from many people over the course of the years in performance reviews to personal interactions in the workplace have included comments of my being "abrupt," "arrogant," and "lacking in style." I certainly have a conflict within me when it comes to be assertive and caring. Caring is a dangerous, slippery slope, you know. Believe it or not, though, I have a very sensitive little introverted soul who finds criticism to be demoralizing. In other words, my little feelings get hurt and I go around feeling deeply wounded; questioning my ability to do anything right. Then, I go and act the same way once again. After twenty some-odd years of hearing the same feedback, I thought it was time to really make an effort to change those performance reviews. So, I have been participating in corporate coaching in an effort to improve my communications skills, gain a better perspective on this emotionalism, and generally become a better person. I also joined Toastmasters International in the hopes of improving my speaking and communication skills.
My corporate coach, a lady whom I admire greatly for her poise, class, and femininity, is a high-level manager in the company. Thankfully, she appreciates my passion for quality and sees my potential. In sessions with her I have gained valuable information, but based on my experience today I suspect I haven't really been processing the information. I suspect that despite my desire to improve is challenged by my resistance to change. Among much valuable input, my coach said two things to me which stuck out and have subsequently been put up in my cubicle at work.
The first was this: "Which is more important? Being right or making progress?"
The second was this: "Try on new behaviours to see how they fit. Perhaps, by trying on new behaviours, you will find that you are not changing who you are just showing a different side of you."
Both were challenging concepts. My gut answer to the first question was, "Being right!" because if it's right, it's right… right? Really, though, isn't making progress the right answer? Plus, how do you know you are right? If your actions devalue another person, then is that really the right thing to do? The second was an interesting concept. On one hand, I felt that this 'trying on of new behaviour,' was like lying. On the other, if this behavior is the way I would act in other circumstances, I am still acting like me. I would just be applying a reaction from a different situation to one that tested my patience or self-righteousness.
In Toastmasters, you are not just required to stand up and make speeches. You are also required to perform different roles, such as evaluating a speaker or being a mentor to new members. Recently, a new member joined because of me. Ahhh, happy ego, happy! How nice of her to say so, no? Initially, she did not plan on joining because of a negative experience wherein she was called upon to speak in a short impromptu speech, which in Toastmasters is called 'Table Topics.' Despite saying no three times, she was finally coerced into speaking (I felt uncomfortable, but I did not speak up. I still wonder why I didn't).
After she had spoken, I was called on to speak. Not having a fear of getting up in front of people, makes speaking easy for me. The topic I was given didn't suit me, so I chose (as you can) to go with a previous topic. The next day I ran into her outside the building. After she communicated that she felt "violated" by the actions of the group (a word I found particularly shocking; when you speak like that I expect a lawsuit to follow), I found that this new member thought that was great this getting up to speak and changing the topic. Particularly, doing it with such ease and poise was exactly what she needed to learn and her reason from re-joining Toastmasters. This was not her first experience with Toastmasters. What she was hoping to overcome was a fear of speaking before intimate audiences. Large, impersonal speaking engagements were not a problem for her, but situations where she had to deal with close, small groups were harder for her. Then she said that she joined that day because of me. I was flattered and humbled by that in a good way.
The organization is supposed to provide a mentor for new members, to help move them through the process, answer questions about the organization, and give an ear as members are working on speeches. Despite my lack of experience, because she was comfortable with me the new member asked if I would be her mentor. I was hesitant because of my lack of experience. I expressed a desire to help, but also pointed out my novice status. I have to admit this lady makes me a little nervous. She threatens my balanced equilibrium by using words I find strong for a given situation (remember, I'm a Moderate... hoo'ee!). I worry I am going to say something in a one-on-one session that will end up taking me to HR. Admittedly, this is a fear of the unknown kicking in. She is beyond my ken and outside of my familiarity, yet she and I are very similar (it's scary, booooooo!). She accepted this and we moved on. Our first session as mentor and mentee was today.
Overall, I don't think it went that bad; however, I bolloxed one or two things and came away with my pride tucked between my legs like a little doggie tail. Ohhh, sad ego, sad! When she started her speech, she said she wanted to piss people off, to light a fire under them so that they would take action. My first response to that was, yes, but make sure you don't piss people off at you. You'll be taking the focus off of your message and putting it on you. Then I proceeded to say things like, "What about …." See, she had chosen a topic on which she felt highly passionate and one in which I am admittedly ignorant: Native Americans. When she said she wanted to make people angry, my interpretation is that anger is not conducive to communication. Her interpretation of anger was more positive; that it is a catalyst for change. Agreed, but it is also a catalyst for atrocity. As I continued on, she stopped me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was pissing her off because I didn't get it. That like her I was being arrogant by speaking when I was ignorant; speaking on a topic from a "white" perspective, putting words in her mouth, and telling her what to think. Ouch. Did I mention she's from Chicago, born to Irish-Catholic parents? Ok, ok, before you start bashing her, we both learned from this experience and that is about what this blog is about: learning and processing change. At the end of it all, we did leave on a positive note and feeling.
Although I did provide some feedback she found useful, I found that my approach needed work as well. Instead of saying, "what I am hearing is this..." I launched into what I thought she was saying. I made assumptions based on her speech as to what she was trying to accomplish. I made a statement instead of query, thus in her words "shutting her out." She also pointed out that it's like one isn't listening when one does not solicit dialogue. That was the feedback I went away with in my head and as I write this:
When giving feedback, ask; don't tell.
By using questions instead of statements, dialogue is open. I went into the session thinking I was going to be providing effective feedback based on the rules of effective feedback, but it is not just the steps you take, it is also the way in which you say it. Wish me luck on remembering to phrase things in the right way when I am providing feedback in the future!
Currently listening : Turf By Luka Bloom Release date: 14 June, 1994
I think people come into our lives for a reason and that reason is to challenge us to grow; to teach us things about ourselves we didn't know – good and bad. Like quitting smoking or losing weight, you might want to, but you sure are afraid of letting go. Paradigm shifts and epiphanies are necessary to achieve change; it is easy to remain the same. We become comfortable in our beliefs, our way of interacting; I know I certainly do. How easy it is to stick my chin up, ball my fists, and say "This is the way I am; love it or leave!" in a childlike defiance against change.
Feedback from many people over the course of the years in performance reviews to personal interactions in the workplace have included comments of my being "abrupt," "arrogant," and "lacking in style." I certainly have a conflict within me when it comes to be assertive and caring. Caring is a dangerous, slippery slope, you know. Believe it or not, though, I have a very sensitive little introverted soul who finds criticism to be demoralizing. In other words, my little feelings get hurt and I go around feeling deeply wounded; questioning my ability to do anything right. Then, I go and act the same way once again. After twenty some-odd years of hearing the same feedback, I thought it was time to really make an effort to change those performance reviews. So, I have been participating in corporate coaching in an effort to improve my communications skills, gain a better perspective on this emotionalism, and generally become a better person. I also joined Toastmasters International in the hopes of improving my speaking and communication skills.
My corporate coach, a lady whom I admire greatly for her poise, class, and femininity, is a high-level manager in the company. Thankfully, she appreciates my passion for quality and sees my potential. In sessions with her I have gained valuable information, but based on my experience today I suspect I haven't really been processing the information. I suspect that despite my desire to improve is challenged by my resistance to change. Among much valuable input, my coach said two things to me which stuck out and have subsequently been put up in my cubicle at work.
The first was this: "Which is more important? Being right or making progress?"
The second was this: "Try on new behaviours to see how they fit. Perhaps, by trying on new behaviours, you will find that you are not changing who you are just showing a different side of you."
Both were challenging concepts. My gut answer to the first question was, "Being right!" because if it's right, it's right… right? Really, though, isn't making progress the right answer? Plus, how do you know you are right? If your actions devalue another person, then is that really the right thing to do? The second was an interesting concept. On one hand, I felt that this 'trying on of new behaviour,' was like lying. On the other, if this behavior is the way I would act in other circumstances, I am still acting like me. I would just be applying a reaction from a different situation to one that tested my patience or self-righteousness.
In Toastmasters, you are not just required to stand up and make speeches. You are also required to perform different roles, such as evaluating a speaker or being a mentor to new members. Recently, a new member joined because of me. Ahhh, happy ego, happy! How nice of her to say so, no? Initially, she did not plan on joining because of a negative experience wherein she was called upon to speak in a short impromptu speech, which in Toastmasters is called 'Table Topics.' Despite saying no three times, she was finally coerced into speaking (I felt uncomfortable, but I did not speak up. I still wonder why I didn't).
After she had spoken, I was called on to speak. Not having a fear of getting up in front of people, makes speaking easy for me. The topic I was given didn't suit me, so I chose (as you can) to go with a previous topic. The next day I ran into her outside the building. After she communicated that she felt "violated" by the actions of the group (a word I found particularly shocking; when you speak like that I expect a lawsuit to follow), I found that this new member thought that was great this getting up to speak and changing the topic. Particularly, doing it with such ease and poise was exactly what she needed to learn and her reason from re-joining Toastmasters. This was not her first experience with Toastmasters. What she was hoping to overcome was a fear of speaking before intimate audiences. Large, impersonal speaking engagements were not a problem for her, but situations where she had to deal with close, small groups were harder for her. Then she said that she joined that day because of me. I was flattered and humbled by that in a good way.
The organization is supposed to provide a mentor for new members, to help move them through the process, answer questions about the organization, and give an ear as members are working on speeches. Despite my lack of experience, because she was comfortable with me the new member asked if I would be her mentor. I was hesitant because of my lack of experience. I expressed a desire to help, but also pointed out my novice status. I have to admit this lady makes me a little nervous. She threatens my balanced equilibrium by using words I find strong for a given situation (remember, I'm a Moderate... hoo'ee!). I worry I am going to say something in a one-on-one session that will end up taking me to HR. Admittedly, this is a fear of the unknown kicking in. She is beyond my ken and outside of my familiarity, yet she and I are very similar (it's scary, booooooo!). She accepted this and we moved on. Our first session as mentor and mentee was today.
Overall, I don't think it went that bad; however, I bolloxed one or two things and came away with my pride tucked between my legs like a little doggie tail. Ohhh, sad ego, sad! When she started her speech, she said she wanted to piss people off, to light a fire under them so that they would take action. My first response to that was, yes, but make sure you don't piss people off at you. You'll be taking the focus off of your message and putting it on you. Then I proceeded to say things like, "What about …." See, she had chosen a topic on which she felt highly passionate and one in which I am admittedly ignorant: Native Americans. When she said she wanted to make people angry, my interpretation is that anger is not conducive to communication. Her interpretation of anger was more positive; that it is a catalyst for change. Agreed, but it is also a catalyst for atrocity. As I continued on, she stopped me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was pissing her off because I didn't get it. That like her I was being arrogant by speaking when I was ignorant; speaking on a topic from a "white" perspective, putting words in her mouth, and telling her what to think. Ouch. Did I mention she's from Chicago, born to Irish-Catholic parents? Ok, ok, before you start bashing her, we both learned from this experience and that is about what this blog is about: learning and processing change. At the end of it all, we did leave on a positive note and feeling.
Although I did provide some feedback she found useful, I found that my approach needed work as well. Instead of saying, "what I am hearing is this..." I launched into what I thought she was saying. I made assumptions based on her speech as to what she was trying to accomplish. I made a statement instead of query, thus in her words "shutting her out." She also pointed out that it's like one isn't listening when one does not solicit dialogue. That was the feedback I went away with in my head and as I write this:
When giving feedback, ask; don't tell.
By using questions instead of statements, dialogue is open. I went into the session thinking I was going to be providing effective feedback based on the rules of effective feedback, but it is not just the steps you take, it is also the way in which you say it. Wish me luck on remembering to phrase things in the right way when I am providing feedback in the future!
Currently listening : Turf By Luka Bloom Release date: 14 June, 1994
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