Have you ever had one of those days where you just knew someone was going to out you at work? And, no, I don't mean out in the context of "out of the closet."
I have days where I feel as if I am just playing some game, pretending like I know what I am doing. Some days, I am shifting through trying to cobble together what I think is needed in a given situation. I do well. My work is respected. I am respected. But... sometimes I find myself looking around with hunched over shoulders expecting someone to stand up with righteous fury and point at me exclaiming, "FAKER!"
I know, it is paranoid and a little ridiculous. That is just my insecurities getting the best of me. Although I am not college-educated, I am working on it. Also, I do have several years of experience and a natural talent for my work. Maybe that is the clincher. In his song, New Horizons, David Gray sang,
"Things come too easy, I get suspicious
Things come too slow, I get bored
If it don't work out, I get superstitious
But if it does, oh my word!"
Those words resonated as true for me. Maybe, because it is fairly easy for me, I am suspicious. Perhaps, I need someone to just come along one day at work and say that I am a faker. I am not really some corporate person. I am just a kid still playing pretend at being adult.
I do wonder, though, how long does that feeling last? Is there hope of someday being sure enough of my talent and skills? Hm, that leads me to thinking of another thing to about which to write. I think, I will just sign off now.
I don't want to grow up, but I don't want to be a kid either.
Ugh. I think I am a perennial teen. God, help me.
2 comments:
Wish I could give you hope, but I still feel this way myself! I'm not sure if I'm insecure about my talents and ability to do the work--and I don't think you are--but about my ability to look like the rest of them. I know on the outside I'm a Suburban Mom, but on the inside I'm the purple-haired girl who rocks. And girls like that don't belong in an office, do they? And yet, I think now they do.
I read magazine article that interviewed George Harrison shortly before he lost his battle with cancer. Always philosophic, he mused about getting older. He said that he only felt older in his body, that the "real" George still felt like that fella that stepped off the plane in 1964. 'Bout says it all, I think.
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