Friday, July 06, 2007 - Humble Pie

Current mood: embarrassed

I think people come into our lives for a reason and that reason is to challenge us to grow; to teach us things about ourselves we didn't know – good and bad. Like quitting smoking or losing weight, you might want to, but you sure are afraid of letting go. Paradigm shifts and epiphanies are necessary to achieve change; it is easy to remain the same. We become comfortable in our beliefs, our way of interacting; I know I certainly do. How easy it is to stick my chin up, ball my fists, and say "This is the way I am; love it or leave!" in a childlike defiance against change.

Feedback from many people over the course of the years in performance reviews to personal interactions in the workplace have included comments of my being "abrupt," "arrogant," and "lacking in style." I certainly have a conflict within me when it comes to be assertive and caring. Caring is a dangerous, slippery slope, you know. Believe it or not, though, I have a very sensitive little introverted soul who finds criticism to be demoralizing. In other words, my little feelings get hurt and I go around feeling deeply wounded; questioning my ability to do anything right. Then, I go and act the same way once again. After twenty some-odd years of hearing the same feedback, I thought it was time to really make an effort to change those performance reviews. So, I have been participating in corporate coaching in an effort to improve my communications skills, gain a better perspective on this emotionalism, and generally become a better person. I also joined Toastmasters International in the hopes of improving my speaking and communication skills.

My corporate coach, a lady whom I admire greatly for her poise, class, and femininity, is a high-level manager in the company. Thankfully, she appreciates my passion for quality and sees my potential. In sessions with her I have gained valuable information, but based on my experience today I suspect I haven't really been processing the information. I suspect that despite my desire to improve is challenged by my resistance to change. Among much valuable input, my coach said two things to me which stuck out and have subsequently been put up in my cubicle at work.

The first was this: "Which is more important? Being right or making progress?"

The second was this: "Try on new behaviours to see how they fit. Perhaps, by trying on new behaviours, you will find that you are not changing who you are just showing a different side of you."

Both were challenging concepts. My gut answer to the first question was, "Being right!" because if it's right, it's right… right? Really, though, isn't making progress the right answer? Plus, how do you know you are right? If your actions devalue another person, then is that really the right thing to do? The second was an interesting concept. On one hand, I felt that this 'trying on of new behaviour,' was like lying. On the other, if this behavior is the way I would act in other circumstances, I am still acting like me. I would just be applying a reaction from a different situation to one that tested my patience or self-righteousness.

In Toastmasters, you are not just required to stand up and make speeches. You are also required to perform different roles, such as evaluating a speaker or being a mentor to new members. Recently, a new member joined because of me. Ahhh, happy ego, happy! How nice of her to say so, no? Initially, she did not plan on joining because of a negative experience wherein she was called upon to speak in a short impromptu speech, which in Toastmasters is called 'Table Topics.' Despite saying no three times, she was finally coerced into speaking (I felt uncomfortable, but I did not speak up. I still wonder why I didn't).

After she had spoken, I was called on to speak. Not having a fear of getting up in front of people, makes speaking easy for me. The topic I was given didn't suit me, so I chose (as you can) to go with a previous topic. The next day I ran into her outside the building. After she communicated that she felt "violated" by the actions of the group (a word I found particularly shocking; when you speak like that I expect a lawsuit to follow), I found that this new member thought that was great this getting up to speak and changing the topic. Particularly, doing it with such ease and poise was exactly what she needed to learn and her reason from re-joining Toastmasters. This was not her first experience with Toastmasters. What she was hoping to overcome was a fear of speaking before intimate audiences. Large, impersonal speaking engagements were not a problem for her, but situations where she had to deal with close, small groups were harder for her. Then she said that she joined that day because of me. I was flattered and humbled by that in a good way.

The organization is supposed to provide a mentor for new members, to help move them through the process, answer questions about the organization, and give an ear as members are working on speeches. Despite my lack of experience, because she was comfortable with me the new member asked if I would be her mentor. I was hesitant because of my lack of experience. I expressed a desire to help, but also pointed out my novice status. I have to admit this lady makes me a little nervous. She threatens my balanced equilibrium by using words I find strong for a given situation (remember, I'm a Moderate... hoo'ee!). I worry I am going to say something in a one-on-one session that will end up taking me to HR. Admittedly, this is a fear of the unknown kicking in. She is beyond my ken and outside of my familiarity, yet she and I are very similar (it's scary, booooooo!). She accepted this and we moved on. Our first session as mentor and mentee was today.

Overall, I don't think it went that bad; however, I bolloxed one or two things and came away with my pride tucked between my legs like a little doggie tail. Ohhh, sad ego, sad! When she started her speech, she said she wanted to piss people off, to light a fire under them so that they would take action. My first response to that was, yes, but make sure you don't piss people off at you. You'll be taking the focus off of your message and putting it on you. Then I proceeded to say things like, "What about …." See, she had chosen a topic on which she felt highly passionate and one in which I am admittedly ignorant: Native Americans. When she said she wanted to make people angry, my interpretation is that anger is not conducive to communication. Her interpretation of anger was more positive; that it is a catalyst for change. Agreed, but it is also a catalyst for atrocity. As I continued on, she stopped me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was pissing her off because I didn't get it. That like her I was being arrogant by speaking when I was ignorant; speaking on a topic from a "white" perspective, putting words in her mouth, and telling her what to think. Ouch. Did I mention she's from Chicago, born to Irish-Catholic parents? Ok, ok, before you start bashing her, we both learned from this experience and that is about what this blog is about: learning and processing change. At the end of it all, we did leave on a positive note and feeling.

Although I did provide some feedback she found useful, I found that my approach needed work as well. Instead of saying, "what I am hearing is this..." I launched into what I thought she was saying. I made assumptions based on her speech as to what she was trying to accomplish. I made a statement instead of query, thus in her words "shutting her out." She also pointed out that it's like one isn't listening when one does not solicit dialogue. That was the feedback I went away with in my head and as I write this:

When giving feedback, ask; don't tell.

By using questions instead of statements, dialogue is open. I went into the session thinking I was going to be providing effective feedback based on the rules of effective feedback, but it is not just the steps you take, it is also the way in which you say it. Wish me luck on remembering to phrase things in the right way when I am providing feedback in the future!


Currently listening : Turf By Luka Bloom Release date: 14 June, 1994